I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize