I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
