i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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