listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
