Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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