You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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