We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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