What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
