Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
