1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Vodka?
Forever.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
