My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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