Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
