he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
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Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
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He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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