Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
