I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
