I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
two words...techno handjob
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
