Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
