The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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