what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I need water and some morals
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
