You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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