she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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