lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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