its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
