True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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