I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
