please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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