i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize