I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
