It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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