there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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