i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
