I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
