he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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