If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
did i just pee glitter
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
