yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
