Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
