just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
