i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
