Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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