I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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