I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I didn't notice because vodka
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
