I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
