I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
