He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
