I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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