Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even know how to be here
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize