Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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