I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
