I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
