dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
