How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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