This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
