So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My cat gives me a boner
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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