Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
