If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
