I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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