i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
