weddingsv make me drug and hornr
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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