i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
