sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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