just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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