Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
