dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
